Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
how does that bad decision feel?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
