She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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