so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
