Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize