someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
