Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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