you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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