Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
