omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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