You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
