I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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