I just threw up on my dentist
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
How's work?
Spinning.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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