i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I met the friendliest cop last night
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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