I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
