i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
