get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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