I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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