Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
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