FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
