my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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