I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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