im drinking this country out of the recession.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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