I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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