the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
