We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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