I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
