Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
