just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize