On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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