even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
