I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
