It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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