My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
