She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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