the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
