??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
