tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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