you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
