Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
