Swine flu. Run for my life!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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