I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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