i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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