ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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