Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My feet surprised me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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