I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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