she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
