Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
