I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
