can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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