Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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