It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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