no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
