i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
