People in love make me want to vomit
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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