Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
