she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
