If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
