saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
