i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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