You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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